Stopping Bad Breath Bart

"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar for a week."

OK, so I can be a little candid every now and then. It's not something I would say to Attila the Hun during a pre-battle pep rally. But it was not Attila the Hun standing in front of me. It was just my buddy Bart.

"Pee-ew! You have bad breath."

So when the phone rang that night, the last person I expected to greet me in a cheery voice was Bad Breath Bart. "Hey, Happy Guy. I'm feeling great," he said. "Want to guess why?"

"You just won the gold medal for the ten-meter turkey toss?"

"Nope," he replied. "But thanks for the tip. I'll start training for it tomorrow."

"OK, I give up. Why do you feel so great?"

"Because I discovered an easy way to stop bad breath," he declared. "Want to guess how?"

"You bought a book on stopping bad breath and you are following the instructions?"

"Sa-ay, that's a good idea," Bad Breath Bart said. "But that's not it. My plan is even simpler. I covered up my bad breath."

"Bart, that won't work. Since Julius Caesar first invaded Paris and declared 'Veni Vidi Vino', people have been trying to cover up their breath. But mint just is not strong enough."

"Bingo!" he shouted. "Mint is too weak, so I found something stronger. Want to guess what?"

"You've been rinsing with five-week-old milk?"

"Nope."

"You've discovered that cologne is best taken internally?"

"Nope."

"You downed a bottle of vanilla extract, mistaking it for beer?"

"Nope."

This guessing game was giving me headaches and foot cramps. "I give up, Bart. What's your secret to stopping bad breath?"

"Garlic," he declared.

"Garlic?"

"Garlic. Now nobody can smell my bad breath, because all they smell is garlic," he beamed.

"Garlic?"

"Of course, there are some side effects," Bad Breath Bart noted. "For instance, my pet vampire has run away. And this afternoon I blew a kiss to my wife, and she slammed the door on my face."

"Can I offer an alternative, Bart? Something that won't put your nose in a cast every time you get the irresistible urge to blow at your wife?"

"Sure."

"Try using some mouthwash with cetylpyridinium chloride in it. That always works for me."

"Wow. That's a mouthful," Bad Breath Bart exclaimed.

I was glad to have finally given Bad Breath Bart a mouthful that would actually help him cure his problem. I did not anticipate the call I would receive the very next evening.

"Hey, Happy Guy. Thanks for the tip," Bad Breath Bart said. "That cetlip... cettap... centapyr... That unpronounceable mouthwash ingredient is superb."

"Excellent!" I was thrilled that he had taken my advice and that it was working so well.

"Yeah. It really tastes great," he continued.

"Tastes great?"

"You bet. And so filling, too."

Suddenly I felt an ominous sensation closing in. "What do you mean by 'filling'?"

"After taking that cetilp... cettep... certip... that unpronounceable concoction, I don't feel hungry anymore," he explained.

"Bart, what did you put in that concoction?"

"Oh, the usual ? ten scoops of ice cream, a cup or two of milk, a bag of chocolate chips, half a banana, some corn flakes, a wombat's ear and the juice out of the maraschino cherry jar," he responded.

"But that won't stop your bad breath."

"Oops. I also added that cetip... cetpe... certilp... that unpronounceable ingredient," he added. "It sure tasted good."

Just then, my wife entered the room. "Honey, I just made you one of your favorite banana-strawberry milkshakes," she said with a smile.

I looked at the glass she placed in my hand. I looked at it from the top. I looked at it from the bottom. I looked all around it.

"What are you looking for," she asked.

I knew she would not believe me. "Chocolate chips and corn flakes."

David Leonhardt is a freelance writer in eastern Ontario. Read a longer version about stopping Bad Breath Bart or get healthy with some of his (David's, not Bart's) all-natural liquid vitamin supplements.

---

Discover the Lighter Side of the Internet

We all know the Internet is a great tool for... Read More

[Not So] Outgoing Mail

I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail.... Read More

When It Rains, It Pours: Creating a Plan

It's time for me to announce that I have a... Read More

Essential Laughter

Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in... Read More

Humans are like Monkeys

Humans think much like monkeys and other primates, not much... Read More

How To Marry A Wealthy Guy

How To Marry A Wealthy Guy(or Girl... Or at least... Read More

Laughing Toward Truth: Six Tips for Lighthearted Thinkers

Do you believe in the power of your convictions?It's time... Read More

Cheer-Leadership or All I Need to Know About Business I Learned from Cheerleading

Thanks to teen movies, many people have this stereotypical idea... Read More

Space, and the Room for It

Space exploration came a long way since I was the... Read More

American Independence ? The True Story

It was late in 1775, and King George III was... Read More

New Orleans First to Experience Housing Bubble Burst

Are we starting to see the Housing Bubble Burst in... Read More

Nine Movies That Make You Want To Yell, Stop Saying That

Movie moments are nice things to share with the people... Read More

Saving SpongeBob Using High Tech

Put Active RFID Satellite Tags in SpongeBobsSpongeBob has been in... Read More

Its All About Seeing the Signs

Ace of Base hasn't seen the sign for quite some... Read More

Lactose Intolerant? It could be a good thing

Lactose Intolerant Individuals may prove a bonus in Space Missions.... Read More

Sell [Your] Phones

Today while driving I saw a young girl, probably around... Read More

Miss Cleo Was a Fake... NO - Really? YES Maaan!

With her Jamaican accent Miss Cleo, a self proclaimed psychic... Read More

Stopping Bad Breath Bart

"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar... Read More

Coffee Tips (and the Elimination Thereof)

I have recently become frustrated with something at doughnut establishments,... Read More

Playing Go-Between in the Digital Age

NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at... Read More

Finding Lost Children

A couple of days ago I had to go to... Read More

Silver Linings Are Everywhere

Viagra. That one word packs a lot of punch. Let's... Read More

The Top 10 All Time Worst Jokes About Piano Players

Here, for your barfing pleasure, are the top ten worst... Read More

The Zapp Principle

My dad's lab was a mess, but then it was... Read More

The Restaurant Chronicles, Part 1

Have you ever heard that saying, "The show must go... Read More

A Dogs Guide To... Getting Your Dog to Stop Barking

I like to bark. I mean, I like to bark... Read More

Not Your Average Sunday Morning

Just recently my ex-husband stopped in to visit during his... Read More

Voodoo Munchies

Looking for a lighthearted and fun way to remove the... Read More

Do Americans Really Understand Irony?

Let me start by saying that 'I am an American'... Read More

Painful Lessons from the Maternity Ward

Whoever dubbed New York, New York "the city that never... Read More

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with... Read More

Very Precise Fortune Cookies

I cracked open the fortune cookie and read the little... Read More

The Patience of Job

Voltaire said, "God is a comedian playing to an... Read More