Mexican Spaminator

When we decided to move to Mexico, one of the most exciting things that popped into my mind was that I would get a new Internet Service Provider and finally get off the 300,000,000 Spam lists that I was on. I thought for sure I would go insane if I received one more "How to Enlarge Your Manhood" piece of Spam-as if I needed to do that anyway (yeah right).

But alas, there are things in life that you cannot escape no matter where you flee and Spam is one of them.

The funny thing is, there apparently is not a market for the "How to Enlarge your Manhood" spam here in Mexico. I dare not speculate why although I would very much like to know. I am however, too squeamish to even think of bringing up the issue with anyone, much less my Mexican pals who have internet access. Besides, I cannot even begin to figure out how to ask the question in Spanish-egad!--how on earth would I translate, "manhood"?

I am going to have a nightmare over that.

Anyway, I am getting Spam here in Mexico. They have finally found me. For the first year of being here in Guanajuato, we didn't have a computer but used the Internet Cafes. Now that we do, it is as if we have become a spaminator-magnet. Just how do they locate you?

I wish I had a Person-who-is-a-Spammer magnet so I could locate all the Spammers and then give them a good spam-slapping. This morning, I opened my hotmail account (Oh God! Do you think I've just tipped off more Spaminators by telling them I have a hotmail account?) and lo and behold, there was Spam waiting for me!

The subject line read "Miracle Burn". Miracle burn? This was the first time in my life I had ever heard of a burn being a miracle. No thank you, I thought, burns tend to hurt no matter if you call them a miracle or not. But, I had to see what this was so I opened the stupid e-mail. (Do you think opening the thing sends some secret, "We've got a sucker", signal, over the Internet, to the ones who sent this me in the first place? Is that how they do it?)

It turns out that this spam was talking about a fat-burning discovery hitherto unknown to anyone else on the planet. In all the history of humanity, just now-maybe even hours ago-someone discovered a new and unknown solution to burning fat off your overfed and overindulged fat body.

"Miracle Burn-The First Pill to Master the Art of Natural Weight Loss. Miracle Burn is the first and only weight loss pill to combine both patented Avantra Z and Hoodia." Let's stop here and ask,

"What the hell are Avantra Z and Hoodia"? They acted as if everyone should know what Avantra Z and Hoodia are. I had to look again at the ad since I thought "HOODIA" was some person from New Delhi, India, who was selling the stuff. So, I clicked on the ad (probably a BIG mistake).

Hoodia is supposed to be,

"?the most effective & natural appetite suppressant available. It contains a compound called 'P57', which is a molecule that makes you feel full."

Will you just imagine that! One little molecule will bloat you up like a toad so you won't want to go the Dunkin Donuts and wolf down a dozen or so of something gooey and wonderful.

I don't know about you but if someone offered me a dozen or so of compound "P57" (What does the "P" stand for-don't anyone dare write me and tell me!) or as it is commonly called, "Hoodia", I would turn and run the other way with a box of gooey glazed under my arm.

That is today's Spaminator story. I wonder what tomorrow may bring. In the meantime, I urge you to stay away from Hoodia or anything that even looks like a compound named "P57"!

Doug Bower is a freelance writer, Syndicated Columnist, and book author. His most recent writing credits include The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, The Houston Chronicle, The Philadelphia Inquirer, and Transitions Abroad. He is a columnist with Cricketsoda.com and more than 21 additional online magazines. He is also a writer with EzineArticles.com with a readership of almost 6,000. He lives with his wife in Guanajuato, Mexico. His newest books, Mexican Living: Blogging it from a Third World Country and The Plain Truth about Living in Mexico can be seen: CLICK HERE: http://www.lulu.com/mexicanliving

---

Its All About Seeing the Signs

Ace of Base hasn't seen the sign for quite some... Read More

To See Or Not To See

I went to the eye doctor the other day. I... Read More

Bed Bugs Bite

I just turned on the news a minute ago and... Read More

Bad Days and Bad Timing

Have you ever noticed how family members always misbehave at... Read More

Freudian Slippage

Saturday morning. I went, in the early morning, to the... Read More

Cloning Advantage Super Families

As the cloning debate of humankind continues we find ourselves... Read More

Eye Spy Potatoes

Lately I've had the problem of falling asleep with my... Read More

A Dogs Guide To... Getting Your Dog to Stop Barking

I like to bark. I mean, I like to bark... Read More

Saving SpongeBob Using High Tech

Put Active RFID Satellite Tags in SpongeBobsSpongeBob has been in... Read More

Valet Parking: Theft with Consent

This column is long overdue. To put it in library... Read More

Got Originality?

There are many ways to be original these days. But... Read More

The Jokes On You -- Who Should be the Butt of Your Jokes?

This article was prompted by something I heard (second hand)... Read More

The Worlds First Comedian?

If you ever saw Aristophanes live on stage, you must... Read More

Pee Here Now

Several years ago, I switched health insurance companies and my... Read More

How to Build a Cobblestone House

He huffed and he puffed and he blew the house... Read More

I Got to Play an April Fools Joke Before I was Born

I will start this by saying that yes, I did... Read More

Slip-sliding On A Peel

Every day, or at least every other day, we make... Read More

11 Alternative Garden Games

Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come... Read More

American Independence ? The True Story

It was late in 1775, and King George III was... Read More

Restaurant Manager Gives Out Sexual Favors As Performance Bonus, Raise

While many restaurant workers worry and sweat in anticipation of... Read More

Not Your Average Sunday Morning

Just recently my ex-husband stopped in to visit during his... Read More

Poor Rixs Almanac 8-27-05

Hey, Poor Rix: What do you think about school food?... Read More

Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant

Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident... Read More

Poor Rixs Almanac 8-13-05

Dear Poor Rix: A guy just invited me to a... Read More

Mexican Spaminator

When we decided to move to Mexico, one of the... Read More

Voodoo Munchies

Looking for a lighthearted and fun way to remove the... Read More

When It Rains, It Pours: Creating a Plan

It's time for me to announce that I have a... Read More

Do Americans Really Understand Irony?

Let me start by saying that 'I am an American'... Read More

Psychiatric Psychiatrist - A Joke on Psychiatry

A few weeks ago I went to see a psychiatrist.We... Read More

Cant Get There From Here

... Read More

The Patience of Job

Voltaire said, "God is a comedian playing to an... Read More

Tales of a Spectator Spectator

Watching the fans at a minor-league baseball game is just... Read More

Setting History Straight

Have you ever heard the name Will Schwenk? Or the... Read More