Sell [Your] Phones

Today while driving I saw a young girl, probably around 11 years old, on a cell phone. She was walking along the side of the street talking to someone, and I couldn't help but think that maybe she was talking to someone across the street because she wasn't allowed to cross it. Whatever the reason, though, there is something about an 11-year-old on a cell phone that legitimately scares me, and it has nothing to do with the fact that she is probably getting more calls than I am...

I always (for the past five minutes) thought it would be interesting if the transmissions from cell phones could be visible, so that I could look out the window right now and see all the words that are being passed from one phone to another. Another added plus of the words being visible is that I could reach into the air and take away the ones that I don't like, therefore completely changing people's conversations. With me controlling the airwaves, people would never use cell phones again, and we would no longer have to worry about walking down the street and being hit with a "hello," or a "goodbye," or a "he needs to stop messing with my mother's wounded llama," the latter of which would be a sentence that I formed based on stealing certain key words from zookeepers' conversations...

I always wondered - as has everyone - what it is like when two zookeepers got together. Do they act like party animals? Maybe go ape? If two zookeepers are reading this column simultaneously, I think an e-mail is in order. But I will only read this correspondence if both zookeepers have equal say in the wording...

Back to my complaints about cell phones, though. If I am unable to control the words soaring through the air, I would at least like to take a visit to a central satellite which serves as the basis for cellular conversations. I am thinking that if I point the satellite in a different direction, this would cause each person to call people they normally would never call, like the kid in homeroom who said he'll "keep in touch," or that telemarketer you said you'd get back to at some point. Better yet, perhaps I can point the satellite in the direction that forces each person to only call his or her own phone, which would be a useful concept in the Dakotas, where there aren't a lot of people to converse with anyway...

With this accomplished, I'd also like to set up a pen pal system amongst the residents of North and South Dakota. I don't necessarily think they should send letters to each other, but I believe they should trade pens on a weekly basis. This kind of sharing will prove valuable in the unity of the states, as well in the general maintenance of ink and the management thereof...

Such a program will be coordinated by an 11-year-old on a cell phone...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

---

If Real People Ran the Bank - I (a spoof for the heart)

Banish Loans ForeverIf ordinary, hard-working, people ran the bank... the... Read More

Cant Get There From Here

... Read More

Stopping Bad Breath Bart

"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar... Read More

Computers According to Carol

A is for Anti-Virus: she got it from my Uncle.B... Read More

A Dogs Guide To... Getting Your Dog to Stop Barking

I like to bark. I mean, I like to bark... Read More

Humans are like Monkeys

Humans think much like monkeys and other primates, not much... Read More

How To Get Attention, or: As You Read This, You Feel an Irresistible Urge to Go On Reading!

We all want attention. As children we crave the attention... Read More

Short Story: Take a Trip To The Temple Of The Great Tomato

Jimmy Jenkins Jr. is not an adventurer, traveler, or pioneer.... Read More

Beyond Black and White

Over visiting a neighbor the other day?"Would you like a... Read More

Marines Dont Take Crap

We... Read More

Saving SpongeBob Using High Tech

Put Active RFID Satellite Tags in SpongeBobsSpongeBob has been in... Read More

25 Reasons You Might Need to Wear a Welding Helmet

A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection... Read More

Your Stars Part 3

LibraHit TV show 'The X Factor' is back on our... Read More

Funny Things We Dream

I often wonder why I wake up so happy, ready... Read More

The Jokes On You -- Who Should be the Butt of Your Jokes?

This article was prompted by something I heard (second hand)... Read More

Dumb Luck

I've never really thought of myself as being funny. I... Read More

Playing Go-Between in the Digital Age

NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at... Read More

How To Marry A Wealthy Guy

How To Marry A Wealthy Guy(or Girl... Or at least... Read More

The Language of Appalachia

Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few... Read More

Psychiatric Psychiatrist - A Joke on Psychiatry

A few weeks ago I went to see a psychiatrist.We... Read More

Bad Days and Bad Timing

Have you ever noticed how family members always misbehave at... Read More

Eye Spy Potatoes

Lately I've had the problem of falling asleep with my... Read More

The Hidden Driveway

I won't lie: there are a lot of things I... Read More

The Top 10 All Time Worst Jokes About Piano Players

Here, for your barfing pleasure, are the top ten worst... Read More

Miss Cleo Was a Fake... NO - Really? YES Maaan!

With her Jamaican accent Miss Cleo, a self proclaimed psychic... Read More

Laughing Toward Truth: Six Tips for Lighthearted Thinkers

Do you believe in the power of your convictions?It's time... Read More

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with... Read More

The Restaurant Chronicles, Part 1

Have you ever heard that saying, "The show must go... Read More

Coffee Tips (and the Elimination Thereof)

I have recently become frustrated with something at doughnut establishments,... Read More

Sell [Your] Phones

Today while driving I saw a young girl, probably around... Read More

Silver Linings Are Everywhere

Viagra. That one word packs a lot of punch. Let's... Read More

Pee Here Now

Several years ago, I switched health insurance companies and my... Read More

The Work-from-home Fashion Primer

Last week, I reported how writers, stay-at-home parents and online... Read More