No Happiness Without Patience

I'm searching for modern happiness. The old-fashioned kind takes just too long. That happiness requires patience and I don't want to wait. I want upgraded happiness. I want release 4.02, the "new and improved" version.

This is the 21st century and I demand instant gratification.

Once upon a time, you had to wait to eat your meal. Even when the Mammoth Burger walk-through was open, they offered only self-kill meals. And when you brought them home, you still had to get the fire started.

"What? Mammoth burger again? How you cook?"

"Ugh. Start fire for cave lady."

"Hah. You probably burn cave down."

"Hah you. No can burn cave down. Buy insurance policy."

"How you start fire?"

"Rub two fingers together. Make big flame. Cook mammoth burger."

"Last time you burn fingers."

"Yummy."

Nobody lights a fire these days. People don't even light ovens anymore. It takes just too long to heat up a meal. It takes just too much patience. I'm hungry now, not 40 minutes from now. That's why God gave us microwave ovens. Just pop the food in and whrrr ?BEEP- out it comes, nicely warmed for immediate consumption. That's how I want my happiness ? toasty warm and right now!

"Ooh. No more burn fingers."

Consider the Internet. You type "electric toothpicks". You hit "enter". Google responds: "Search took 1.02 seconds."

"Seems kinda slow," you think. "Google is ready for the geriatric ward." You click on the first result ? something about an electric eel eating a balanced breakfast ? and a blank screen appears. You wait.

TRIVIA QUESTION: Did you know that Shakespeare once waited almost twenty seconds for a web site to appear, so he could find a word that rhymed with cardiologist? The web site finally appeared in 1997, but he had given up waiting by then.

Five seconds pass. Time's up and still not site. Your instant gratification cells have been offended. You surf to another site.

"Ugh. No get Mammoth Burger web site. This thing no work."

"That thing rock."

"Rock broken. Go to mammoth burger walk-through"

I don't want to walk to get happiness. I want it delivered now. Not twenty seconds later, even if it does rhyme with cardiologist. Not 1.02 seconds later. I want happiness now.

Remember the olden days when you had to extract your posterior from the couch to change channels? That took such a monumental effort that most people sat through whole television shows without changing channels. Of course, that might have been because the other channel was playing Lawrence Welk.

Back in the two-channel universe there was always something on. Now we flip through 472 channels, which keeps us busy while wishing for something worth watching.

Thanks to the remote control, affectionately known by its technical term ? the doodadder ? we can flip channels at a relaxed pace of 15 to 20 per minute without even breaking into a sweat. Imagine our body odor if we had to extract our posteriors from the couch each time we change channels!

"Ugh. No like show. Change channels."

"That thing rock."

"Rock need more channels. This play only test pattern."

Happiness should be like television. If I don't get instant gratification, I should be able to change channels with a zap.

The checkout clerk who doesn't care...ZAP!

The driver kissing my rear bumper...ZAP!

The loudmouth yakking in the cinema...ZAP!

The telemarketer who calls during dinner...ZAP!

Come to think of it, all those annoying people in my way at the grocery store, at the ticket booth, in the parking lot, in the waiting room...ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

"Miss Wooly no give me mammoth burger."

"What you do?"

"I zap her with club. Take mammoth burger."

"Ugh. You invent self-serve."

Sigh. Happiness is not like a microwave oven. Nor like the Internet. Not even like a doodadder. Happiness does not run on the instant gratification system. Happiness takes patience. Lord, please grant me the patience I lack...and I want it now!

About The Author

The author is David Leonhardt. Sign up for his weekly satire column up at http://www.TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html or read more columns at http://www.TheHappyGuy.com/self-actualization-articles.html. Or join in the happiness at http://www.thehappyguy.com.

Info@TheHappyGuy.com

---

4 Steps to Use Fears as Friends: Don?t be a Thunder Dog!

Imagine humungous, bulbous, billowing alto-cumulus clouds building higher and higher... Read More

Self Confidence, Happiness, and Posture

Our use of body posture plays a key role in... Read More

The Year Of Happiness

I have decided to declare 2004 as the YEAR OF... Read More

Life Management Skills for Greater Happiness

"Circumstances are the rulers of the weak; they are but... Read More

Have You Ever Tasted The Fruit Of Pure Happiness?

Have you ever been really happy? Have you ever tasted... Read More

A Model of Happiness

Everyone I've ever met considers happiness to be desirable. There... Read More

Quick Steps On Being Happier

Want to be happier?Edward W. Smith, motivational speaker, author and... Read More

Breaking the Cycle

Breaking the cycle is a term we have all heard.... Read More

Happiness Is In Our Own Hands

Other people can bring tremendous happiness to our lives but... Read More

Top 25 Happiness Quotations

"There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a... Read More

The American Dream ? At What Cost?

When people are asked, "How many of you are content... Read More

A Bad Hairdresser Day

"Hey everybody!" Hairdresser Lady called out. "It's The Happy Guy.""Don't... Read More

Happiness and the Single Person; Changing Myth Into Reality

Does the expression "single and happy" sound like an oxymoron... Read More

Giving Attention To Happiness

When I left England in 2000 there did not seem... Read More

Finding Purpose and Meaning in Life

A friend once said to me, "There is no meaning... Read More

7 Things Happy People Know How To Do

Ever notice how some people just seem to be able... Read More

The Elusive Butterfly of Happiness

Are You Chasing the Elusive Butterfly of Happiness?For many people... Read More

10 Easy Ways You Can Feel Happier, Be Healthier and Live Longer Starting NOW!

Let's just say? first thing when you popped out of... Read More

How To Be Outrageously Happy

You can be as happy as you want whenever you... Read More

The Gift is in the Giving

I have to be honest. I made the woman cashier... Read More

What The Bleep Are You So Happy About?

Could you stand to have a lot more happiness in... Read More

Looking In The Eyes Of Happiness

From what you see around you in your daily lives,... Read More

How to Be Happy!

How would you like to have at least an extra... Read More

Happiness. Its Between Our Ears!

Happiness is something we all seek, yet few of us... Read More

Why Choosing To Be Happy Is Not Enough

I talked in a recent article about how every moment... Read More

Happiness Fleeting

"You cannot capture happiness no matter how hard you may... Read More

Magickal Baths

Taking a Magickal Bath doesn't have to be complicated. It... Read More

Change 1 Thing Per Month - Making it Great One Step at a Time

So you're stuck in a rut, bored with how your... Read More

Discover a Momentary Miracle

Each moment is filled with miracles - very special treasures... Read More

Happiness Is A State Of Mind, Im Happy... I Think!

You have the power to attract and repel anything in... Read More

Happiness And Health Are The Two Most Important Things In Life

The world is becoming obsessed with money and all things... Read More

In Pursuit of Happiness

In pursuit of happiness, what will we do as women?... Read More

Suffering and Happiness

The one feature that sets life on Earth apart from... Read More