Dads, Life, and Death

When he looked at me, it was clear my father wasn't sure who I was. And as I looked back at him, I wasn't sure who he was, either.

My father had just endured two heart surgeries and 6 days in intensive care. He'd returned to the hospital where he'd worked for 40 years. It was the hospital where all his children had been born. And as he sat in his bed gazing at me, I knew he might never be the same. The doctors said that he may have a long period of confusion after the surgeries. And because he's eighty-six, it may be many months before he returns to normal. It's also possible he may never be "normal" again.

The roller coaster of feelings we've had the past week have settled a bit. Now, we simply wait. We wait to see if the memory comes back and the confusion fades. We hope that he regains what he once had, as we realize who he was may be "gone."

It's a realization that feels a lot like death.

To spend two days wondering if your father will live or die brings you many things. It allows you to appreciate every moment of life. It fills you with memories, and it fills you with pain. It reminds you of something that can easily be forgotten as you run around in your busy life: life is incredibly fragile, and can be taken away in an instant.

I sat there in this hospital room, spoon-feeding the man I've seen as powerful and capable my entire life. It felt like the full circle of life had come around us. It was both satisfying and frightening. It felt good to support him, yet part of me wanted to tell him to "be normal" again. I wasn't sure if I was ready to accept the full meaning of it: that my father may never be that powerful and capable person again.

My mother has been married to my father for sixty years. During the darkest time before the second surgery, she said, "You have sixty years with someone, but you just want more."

Pain and suffering have visited my family, as it will visit all families. And while we hesitate to face pain and suffering, it has great lessons to teach us. Pain and suffering are well outside of the boundaries of our everyday life. When it comes, it shatters these boundaries and turns our world upside down. We become a family with all of the others who have known pain and suffering. And we have another chance to prioritize what's truly important in our lives.

This crisis will pass, and we'll all be changed by it. The healing hands of time will do their work. I'm thankful that I've told my father everything I've wanted to say to him. And I'm thankful to have my family to lean on during this difficult time. We'll all be challenged by this to show more support, care, and love.

This is as it should be. Sometimes, it takes a crisis to remind us of why we're all here.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches busy parents by phone to balance their life and improve their family relationships. For a FREE twenty minute sample session by phone; ebooks, courses, articles, and a FREE newsletter, go to http://www.markbrandenburg.com. or email him at mark@markbrandenburg.com.

---

What is an Appropriate Sympathy Gift?

When a friend or loved one is grieving, it is... Read More

Physiological Consequences of Carrying Emotional Trauma

Although many of us carry some form of emotional trauma... Read More

Grief

If you have ever lost someone dear to you it... Read More

Terrorism Worries: 10 Ways to Turn Fear into Hope

September 11th changed America and chances are it changed you.... Read More

Whats It All About?

For most people life is a fairly ordinary existence -... Read More

Miracles?

If we were to organize a list of the thorniest... Read More

Silent Tears - from a Norwegian Hospital

Silent tears hit hospital-white sheets. The young Pakistani mother holds... Read More

Tenderizing

Recently, the magazine I own and edit got a hate... Read More

Suicide in the Church Part 2

In a town the size of mine - about 16,000... Read More

Graceful Grief: Angelic Help is on the Way!

I believe that major change and loss in our lives... Read More

Angel of Comfort... The Story

I am an Angel artist and several weeks ago while... Read More

An Unexpected Letter

It was a couple of weeks after Christmas, and I... Read More

Suicide - An Eternal Pain

Suicide is the one form of death that has quite... Read More

The Walking Wounded

When my phone rang the other day, it was a... Read More

Pope John Paul II

WHAT I LEARNED FROM POPE JOHN PAUL II ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I am... Read More

GoodBye GrandMa

My dearest Grandma, I will never forget you & sorry... Read More

Mexico: Death in Mexico

Death: No thank you. Dying: Gives me a panic attack.... Read More

The Valley of Sorrow or My Life as a Well Digger

It felt like I had been run over by a... Read More

And You Always Will

I opened the dishtowel drawer for about the sixth time,... Read More

The Grief And Belief Connection

"Grief is healing: To take away our grief is to... Read More

Grief Support: The Dos

Helpers often ask questions such as: "What should I do?... Read More

Sympathy Flowers

Sending a floral tribute is a very appropriate way of... Read More

A Critical Assessment of Euthanasia

The question of whether, say, a man should have the... Read More

When Change Comes (Dealing With Grief and Loss)

Needless to say, the time after loss is volatile and... Read More

Coping With A Funeral

When the death of a loved one occurs, regardless or... Read More

Moving Beyond Grief and Loss

In my work as a coach and therapist, I have... Read More

Adapting to the Loss of a Loved One: Three Tips on how to Cope

Have you ever sat down and played a piano where... Read More

Are We All Losers? Understanding Grief

The well-known pioneer researcher Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five states... Read More

How to Deal with Suffering

Reflect upon the following questions, and answer those you feel... Read More

Suicide Survivor

Suicide is a nightmare for survivors of loved ones. Death... Read More

How to Deal With A Death in the Family and Still Run Your Small Business

As a small business owner we have to deal with... Read More

Is Death Really the End or the Window to A New Beginning?

Earlier this month I learned a dear friend had been... Read More

Angelo Dies

Angelo C, was a good man that never did any... Read More