Are We All Losers? Understanding Grief

The well-known pioneer researcher Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five states through which the dying patient goes. It is also true that the recently bereaved and the about to be bereaved evidence the same stages. Kubler Ross has labeled the 5 stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. People do not necessarily go through these stages in any set order or over a set length of time, nor does the individual necessarily pass through each of the stages. Most controversial is the final stage of acceptance. Kubler-Ross believes that all of us come to accept death as it approached, but other researchers do not agree. Westberg, for example believe, as do the writer, that we come to a point of living with the loss. Let's now review the 10 stages of grief as defined by Westberg. If you have or can access his tiny book entitled, Good Grief, it would help you to understand each stage in more depth than the writer will go.

10 Stages of Grief According to Granger Westberg (Good Grief):

1) shock ? numbness, denial, disbelief
2) emotional releases ? tears, cursing
3) physical manifestations ? loss of sleep, eating
4) depression, panic ?how do I go on, detachment
5) guilt ? if only
6) anger ? god, self, deceased, blame
7) idealism ? halo effect, past was perfect
8) realization ? past not perfect, maybe a future
9) new patterns ? begin again, let go of past images
10) living with the loss ? live, love. Laugh again, adjusting

Another valuable resource is Catherine Sanders book, The Mourning After. Taking an integrative approach, she identifies 5 primary phases of the grief process:

5 Phases of the Grief Process According to Catherine Sanders (The Mourning After)

1) shock ? disbelief and denial, confusion, restlessness, state of alarm

2) awareness of loss ? separation anxiety, conflicts, prolonged stress, acting out emotional expectations

3) conservation/withdrawal ? despair, withdrawal, diminished social support, helplessness

4) healing ? turning point, assuming control, identity restructuring, relinquishing roles

5) renewal ? new self-awareness, new sense of freedom, accepting responsibility, learning to live without

In summary, it should be understood that the numbness and sense of unreality when first hearing about the death of a loved one is both a gift and an adaptive response which prepares one to deal with the loss. Statements expressing this surreal phase includes: "I don't believe it," or "It can't be."

It is common to lose a loved one and feel angry about the death and consequences. Since anger needs a target, it is frequently directed at the self, doctor, nurse, funeral director, clergy person, family member, friend or God. Since anger is a choice, it is important for the bereaved to recognize and acknowledge the fact that they are angry.

It is said that actress Elizabeth Taylor, speaking about the death of her husband, Michael Todd, and her subsequent depression, stated: "I didn't think I would survive and I didn't much care. To this day my feelings about him are so strong that I cannot speak about him without being overcome with emotion." For the majority of people in grief, feelings of emptiness and sadness generate feelings of depression.

"My husband died after a long illness. Several times I lost my temper and said some cruel things to him, but when I realized he couldn't get well, I took loving care of him until God called him home. Now I regret all the wrong things I did." Like many who have experienced a loss, this woman is tortured by regrets. While feelings of guilt are quite normal, they are usually not very realistic.

Sometimes anxiety and frustration are connected to the fear of being alone and without a loved one. There may be concern about the future and fear about losing someone else to death. There is no timetable for grief. No one need feel ashamed while getting over a traumatic loss. It is a long complex business. it is the process of grief.

The day will come when grief softens and even dissipates. Usually the recovery is so gradual that the bereaved is not even aware that healing is, in fact, taking place.

Rev. Saundra L. Washington, is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries http://www.clergyservices4u.org. She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Water: A Grief Healing Workbook, will be available soon.

---

The Walking Wounded

When my phone rang the other day, it was a... Read More

Lessons We Learned From Terri Schiavo

Let's talk about Terry Schiavo, since her death illustrated for... Read More

Death, Close and Personal

I got an email recently from someone whose mother died.... Read More

If Ever It Is Me

With my father, his brother and their father having had... Read More

Coping With A Funeral

When the death of a loved one occurs, regardless or... Read More

Sympathy Flowers

Sending a floral tribute is a very appropriate way of... Read More

In the Blink of an Eye

Today's Quote: "My house is burned down, but I can... Read More

Euthanasia: How Will I Know When its Time?

Pippin needed assistance from his owner to get to his... Read More

Good Grief!

If tears are an indication of how special my relationship... Read More

The Truth About Emotional Intelligence

There is so much emphasis on emotional intelligence these days... Read More

Are We All Losers? Understanding Grief

The well-known pioneer researcher Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five states... Read More

Terrorism Worries: 10 Ways to Turn Fear into Hope

September 11th changed America and chances are it changed you.... Read More

Moving Beyond Grief and Loss

In my work as a coach and therapist, I have... Read More

When The Spirit Leaves The Body

Do you spend most of your time inside or outside... Read More

Suicide in the Church Part 1

Recently, several suicides have occurred right here in my own... Read More

Sympathy Messages

The loss of a loved one. It is often difficult... Read More

Suicide in the Church Part 2

In a town the size of mine - about 16,000... Read More

Online Memorial ? A Dedication of Love for Your Departed Loved Ones

Life has always been a journey, a journey of finding... Read More

Coping with Grief - Its Called Living Through It

"Dad, I tried to wake Nana, I think she's dead."... Read More

And You Always Will

I opened the dishtowel drawer for about the sixth time,... Read More

How to Deal with Suicide and Euthenasia

The following is a report that indicates how you might... Read More

When Sorrow Is Too Great to Be Borne Alone, Support Groups Reach Out

Not long after Arlyn died, my husband and I decided... Read More

Death of a Parent: Saying Good-Bye to Mommy or Daddy

Coping with the death of a loved one is never... Read More

The Lesson of a Mothers Death

Dedicated to my mother, FlorenceNovember 11, 1920 ? May 25,... Read More

On Empathy

The Encyclopaedia Britannica (1999 edition) defines empathy as:"The ability to... Read More

How to Cope with Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief is the name given to the mix of... Read More

The Look of Grief

Never, since man has walked upright, have people all over... Read More

Traumas as Social Interactions

("He" in this text - to mean "He" or "She").We... Read More

How Can I Transform Tragedy?

There is only one place where tragedy occurs, and that... Read More

One Stray Tear

The delight lit my face as the couple turned the... Read More

Trial by Fire - 9 Tips for Grieving Couples

You will often hear that grief and loss bring couples... Read More

Is Death Really the End or the Window to A New Beginning?

Earlier this month I learned a dear friend had been... Read More

The Valley of Sorrow or My Life as a Well Digger

It felt like I had been run over by a... Read More