Men and Grief

Men grieve differently from women. Our cultural roles make it difficult for men to look for support, and harder again to accept it. Men are so often silent, solitary mourners who immerse themselves in activity and private, symbolic rituals. They feel profoundly, but often can't express the depth of their loss.

A man is supposed to be "strong," to support, to cope, and to plan in the aftermath of loss. His own pain must be put away.

Grief doesn't discriminate between gender or culture. Our society has placed clear expectations and requirements upon our roles as men and women. Boys learn quickly what behaviour is considered inappropriate through such statements as, "Stand up and take it like a man." "You're the man of the house," and the insidiously cruel "Big boys don't cry."

Male grief tends to have four main characteristics.

1. Moderated feelings
Men have deep feelings but don't express openly, a more readily available feeling is anger. Men deal with their real feelings by redirecting their energies.

2. Cognitive Experience
Men work more with cognitions explaining their grief or with problem-focussed strategies that help them adapt and protect.

3. Problem-Focussed Activity
Men may adapt to loss by practical hands-on finding solutions to problems associated with the loss.

4. Desire for Solitude
Men don't seek support groups. They want to master their own feelings and also reflect the more practical behaviour involved in adapting to a loss.

Societal Demands on Men
Men are expected to be "in control" of life's demands and have to submit to the following demands society has placed on them. They're expected to :-

· remain emotionally and physically strong
· always be rational
· don't cry or publicly mourn
· don't ask for support or affection --- be self-sufficient
· remain as non-expressive as possible
· provide, not nurture
· shake hands, don't hug.

These generalisations continue to hold their power over men in pain. Let's take the old myth about crying. The truth is it takes a truly strong man to be able to cry. Acknowledging that each of us grieve in very different ways can allow men to cope with loss and pain using their own various coping methods. We all grieve despite our gender, race or culture. We grieve because we have loved and, through our journey, we can be healed.

Tears are a gift
Grieving men need to hear that their tears are a gift to help their healing. Men have historically been fobbed off and denied this important gift. We need to open up to how men grieve and start sharing thoughts and feelings in a more meaningful, supportive way.

The realisation that grief can be a constructive, healing process, which can be shared with others, can inspire us all to be intentional in our grief process.

Susanna Duffy is a Civil Celebrant, mythologist and grief counsellor. She is a creator and guide of Rites of Passage for personal ceremonies and civic functions. Website: http://celebrant.yarralink.com

---

Dealing With Tragedies (The 9/11 Tragedy)

September 11, 2001, marked yet another significant turning point in... Read More

How My Four Your Old Son Reacted To The Death Of His Great Nanny Biscuits

My nan was called Margaret and lived until the age... Read More

How Can I Transform Tragedy?

There is only one place where tragedy occurs, and that... Read More

The Lesson of a Mothers Death

Dedicated to my mother, FlorenceNovember 11, 1920 ? May 25,... Read More

Watching Death

Like it or not, we think in line with our... Read More

Liberation

It is one thing to be free; it is quite... Read More

Loss Involves Change - The Transformative Power of Loss and Change

There are many experiences in life, which remind us that... Read More

Trial by Fire - 9 Tips for Grieving Couples

You will often hear that grief and loss bring couples... Read More

When Sorrow Is Too Great to Be Borne Alone, Support Groups Reach Out

Not long after Arlyn died, my husband and I decided... Read More

Dying at Home ? A Precious Gift

Few of us care to think about the inevitability of... Read More

Dying? Not Me! Why You Should Plan for Transition

Remember the Eulogy projects we had to write back in... Read More

One Stray Tear

The delight lit my face as the couple turned the... Read More

Whats It All About?

For most people life is a fairly ordinary existence -... Read More

Guilty, Your Honor: The Burden of Guilt After a Suicide

Guilty, Your Honor, I whisper.Have you ever done anything so... Read More

Grief Support: The Don?ts

1) Don't try to make the grieving person feel better.... Read More

Graceful Grief: Angelic Help is on the Way!

I believe that major change and loss in our lives... Read More

Dads, Life, and Death

When he looked at me, it was clear my father... Read More

Online Memorial ? A Dedication of Love for Your Departed Loved Ones

Life has always been a journey, a journey of finding... Read More

Sympathy Messages

The loss of a loved one. It is often difficult... Read More

New Tears [about Grievng--with commentary]

New Tears [about Grieving]If it rains or shinesLittle does it... Read More

Suicide in the Church Part 2

In a town the size of mine - about 16,000... Read More

Death, Close and Personal

I got an email recently from someone whose mother died.... Read More

Present Moment Awareness: Lessons From My Dog

I've always waited for the perfect moment to be happy:... Read More

Suicide in the Church Part 1

Recently, several suicides have occurred right here in my own... Read More

Terminal Illness- Death and Grief

No one likes to think about illness and death, when... Read More

Why Does God Allow Suffering?

Justin was a typical ten year old boy. He liked... Read More

Grief Masks

October makes me think of Halloween, and Halloween makes me... Read More

Afraid Of Dying? Afraid Of Living!

Over the years, I've heard many people voice their concerns... Read More

Miracles?

If we were to organize a list of the thorniest... Read More

Then and Now

Over one hundred years ago, during the Victorian era, death... Read More

An Unexpected Letter

It was a couple of weeks after Christmas, and I... Read More

Physiological Consequences of Carrying Emotional Trauma

Although many of us carry some form of emotional trauma... Read More

The Truth About Emotional Intelligence

There is so much emphasis on emotional intelligence these days... Read More