The Power of the Negative

The vast majority of us learn very early on that we are expected to deal with facts. In and of itself this might not be such a terrible thing. The trouble starts when we combine with this the idea that we also learn very early on where these facts come from. Typically we are not learning that facts come from testing hypotheses and finding evidence for a piece of information, but rather that facts are synonymous with statements. As we have learned that facts are true, when we are provided with a statement that is held up as a statement of fact, we tend not to question it. Obviously there are times when taking this approach to dealing with the world is hugely advantageous.

"The stove is hot"

"It's raining"

Provided with these statements and taking them to be facts our understanding of the world, at an emotional and cognitive level, adapts appropriately and we can tailor our behaviour to deal with the implications of these facts, for example, "stay away from the stove", "get a coat".

Such statements don't need to be questioned. This of course doesn't mean that they can't be, but for practical purposes taking them at face value is unlikely to cause any of us anxiety or distress. If one were to take a Gibsonian view of these statements (which admittedly is a little odd as Gibson's theories were concerned with visual perception) we might say that these facts "afford" a clear understanding of their meaning and implications. We are not bound by those implications, just as one is not bound by affordances in visual perception, but they provide opportunities and information for decision making in the widest sense, including thinking, feeling and behaving. Crucially, such statements are neutral, they are not laden with values and this might explain why we tend not to question them. However, the situation is not so simple. If we consider statements that are value laden there still is a tendency to treat them like they afford clear understanding of their meanings, and we don't question them even though there may be a broader set of possibilities behind them.

Let's consider some positive statements.

"You're performance today was brilliant"

"You have a nice way of dealing with people"

Would you be prepared to take these statements, perhaps feel a little embarrassed, but take them as statement of fact and not question them? Probably. But what exactly do they mean? What makes up a brilliant performance, and how does knowing that help you hone your skills, adapt your emotions, thinking and behaviour? Equally, what constitutes a nice way of dealing with people? Knowing what "nice" consisted of, when regarding dealing with people, you could gauge your performance and use this knowledge of your attributes in other situations. We don't tend to question the positives, but naively accept them, and in doing so we don't really learn anything from them.

Objectively this is pure laziness, but if we explore this issue a little more deeply we can understand why this laziness makes a certain amount of sense. Think about the effort that would be involved in trying to tease apart the deeper meaning of what someone is trying to communicate with these positives. How would someone react if you asked in return, "What exactly do you mean when you say nice?" How would you react if someone asked you that after you had complimented them? It feels a little strange. Just like when we ask a casual acquaintance, "How are you doing?" we don't expect to hear anything other than, "Not too bad", we expect that a compliment should be enough. You look good; you did well, great goal, what else is there that you need to know?

Social convention dictates that positive information stops there, and this means that other than being a sense of comfort, reassurance and fostering good relations, it isn't particularly functional. That isn't to say that it isn't pleasant and enjoyable, and can have strong motivational influences, but what do you learn?

Now let's get a little paranoid - how much do you trust compliments and positive statements? 100%? Do you completely and absolutely take everything positive said to you without a tiny pinch of salt? Does your critical voice ever speak up and place nagging doubts in your mind, either about the speaker, or about how their opinion might be different if they knew you better? Let's pretend that there are sometimes doubts. So, positives are not particularly informative, you can't really learn from them and you can't be entirely sure that they are 100% truthful. As far as personal growth goes perhaps they are not quite the bargain the might be. Feel good, yes, and that is powerful, but their power is coming from someone else. You haven't increased your power from them, your personal understanding of your talents, skills, biases, weaknesses etc. Someone else is in a position of power to convey these blessings upon you, and as we've begun to suspect, they may not be 24 carat gold.

If neutral statements aren't going to help us in our quest for personal growth and understanding, and positive statements aren't, the only thing left would be the negative statements.

How could negative statements help us develop, after all, the negative statements that we are so good at keeping in our heads, that running commentary that intervenes and deflates us, probably couldn't be considered to be a source of vital information that leads to our self-growth? That's true. But it is through what we can learn from the negative reactions of others - the things they say, the way they respond, - that we can start to challenge the voices in our minds, and the voices outside.

If you know what it is that you are doing wrong, you can change it if you decide to do so. The great thing is that people are only too happy to let you know what it is that you are doing wrong. Probably the only thing people like better than talking about themselves is telling other people what's wrong with them. Remember that you aren't obliged to change to satisfy anyone, but if you want or need to develop in a certain area of your life, then knowing where you are now, and how that isn't as good as required, and knowing the specifics of where you are going wrong, it's almost like you have been given a map of how to develop. Now that's a map worth having, and you're getting it for free. Whilst someone else might feel that they are getting to vent at you, you can collect useful information and use that to build up an understanding of what is expected, and develop strategies to get there.

Who is it that is benefiting, the person criticising, or the person criticised?

http://www.hypnotherapies.co.uk

---

Get It Done-Or 3 Ways to Advance Your Goals

1. WORK WITH THE END IN MIND- OR FOCUS ON... Read More

Making The Goal-Setting Process a Partnership

MAKING GOALS: Effective and motivational goals engage employees in work... Read More

Start Working on Your Goals Today!

The alarm goes off at 6am, you roll out of... Read More

One Life to Live

Nothing stops us. Well, almost nothing. Although we do live... Read More

Got Purpose?

Is your life on purpose? Does just the question stop... Read More

Goals: What Would You Like to Accomplish in the Next 90 Days?

"What would you like to accomplish in the next 90... Read More

eaziGOAL Review: Practical Goal Setting Tools for Everyone

I love the internet. I mean, anything at all you... Read More

Taking Action is Essential for Self Improvement and Success

Much has been written about writing down goals and regularly... Read More

Achieve Goals Using The Lasso Principle!

Here is a unique way to combine your breath and... Read More

Ten Reasons To Have an Inspired, World Changing Goal

In a nutshell, having an inspired, world-changing goal is the... Read More

Just Do It! Write Down Some Goals and Start Achieving!

You have a choice it would seem ? you can... Read More

Finding Your Inner Flame: Finding Passion Series - 3 of 3

Why is it that some goals have a fire and... Read More

Achieving Elusive Goals

Everyone has something in their life that they would like... Read More

If Wishes Were Horses Then Beggars Would Ride!

And if Bull frogs had wings they wouldn't bump their... Read More

Keep a Dream Journal: Why Bother?

Want a key to unlock your inner wisdom? Try keeping... Read More

How to Keep Your Focus on Your Home Business Goals

As you begin your new home business you will find... Read More

Habits What I Want For You

Think for a moment about your Self. Is there something... Read More

Achieving Your Goals by Using One Word

One of my favorite techniques for achieving goals is to... Read More

Blogging Your Way to Goal Success

If you have always been procrastinating on how to get... Read More

How To Keep Your Resolutions and Reach Your Goals

Another year has flown by and here you are at... Read More

Goalsetting - How to Easily Set and Get Your Goals

Which of the following changes to your life do you... Read More

Fulfill Promises You Make to Yourself

I believe innately we all do our best. We work... Read More

Achieve Your Desires By Scoring Goals

Do you have a desire? Silly question I know because... Read More

Writing Goals Down Ties Them Up!

Writing goals describes the act of inscribing on a surface... Read More

Share Your True Colors

Don't you just love the leaves changing colors in the... Read More

Turn The Escape Key Now

"I think I know how bank robbers feel as they... Read More

Do you Have the Burning Desire to Lose Weight or Reach any Goal?

NOTE: This article is one of the component parts of... Read More

Reach Your Goals- Set Clear Intentions

It is from intentions that all things manifest. To intend... Read More

Your Goals Are Unique

We have just begun another new year in our lives.... Read More

Why You Must Stop Setting Goals

My goal in life is to have no goals. They... Read More

Make Your Goals Stick

The amazing thing about the future is that if you... Read More

Great Things Materialize Once We Start to Visualize

Watching the Olympics last week really amazed me. The feats... Read More

Breaking Goals Down To The Basics

One of the primary reasons why people fail to execute... Read More