The Heart Moves On: Using Ceremony to Mark the End of a Relationship

Divorce or the end of a long-term relationship is a particularly difficult experience because it makes you deal with two different sets of issues.

• Issues of endings, separation, and letting go (disappointment, anger, sadness, fear and trying to achieve closure)
• Issues of acceptance, forgiveness, becoming open to new beginnings and new possibilities.

A Divorce/End of Relationship Ceremony can give a boost to that process. The difference between a divorce ceremony and an end-of-relationship ceremonies is largely timing. In Australia, which has no-fault divorce dependent only on a period of separation, the relationship has formally ended quite some time before the divorce becomes final. Either ceremony is an appropriate way to mark the end of your relationship with ritual and ceremony.

Whichever you choose, if the ceremony is properly performed, it will have a deep spiritual content which will increase your sense of belonging. In the context of human behaviour it is the emotions that matter. The process of preparing for the ceremony, and the ceremony itself, supports positive emotions at a time of transition from one state of being to another by having a positive impact on the subconscious. A positive ceremony alleviates anxiety about the capacity to live separate lives, and steers the emotions away from self-recrimination to celebration of growth and learning.

Some couples choose to have a divorce ceremony once the relationship has legally ended with the granting of a divorce. But I find that, given the opportunity, couples may choose to acknowledge the end of the relationship sometime during the initial period of separation, way before the formal proceedings have started. This can be very helpful where there are children of the relationship because in a formal way the parents' continued commitment to those children is made clear, and the children are formally absolved of blame for the breakdown in the marriage. (Many children do blame themselves and this needs to be addressed).

There are two types of Divorce/End of Relationship Ceremony. Where the former partners can be respectful of each other and can put their differences aside to focus on the needs of their children, the ceremony may be seen as a positive step towards separation. Vows may be retracted and formal statement of support for each other and for the children are made. This is particularly helpful as children often believe that they are the cause of the break-up, and a formal, public ceremony in which the former partners stress that their split does not mean a change in their relationship with the children can be very helpful.

The second type of ceremony, where only one partner is involved, is more akin to a funeral. The good parts of the relationship are eulogised and steps are taken to help the 'surviving party' to move on.

Ultimately however, your ceremony outcomes depend on the skill of your celebrant.

If you are planning a ceremony to mark the end of a relationship, I urge you to focus on two things:

• healing the wounds of the breakdown of the relationship, and
• moving on.

I have been horrified to see examples of "post-divorce" ceremonies which were virtually undistinguishable from black magic, including sticking pins in an effigy of a spouse, or burying a coffin contain a photo of the ex-spouse.

I frankly refuse to conduct ceremonies where the potential client wants every person present to make a negative statement about the ex-spouse. Some celebrants are not quite so fussy, going along with this, though some may refuse to allow children of the marriage to make a negative statement against their mother or father. Nonetheless, the child is there and hears the statements, which will cause distress and is potentially harmful.

When you approach a celebrant to conduct an end-of-relationship or divorce ceremony, be aware that the role of the celebrant is not to be a substitute counsellor, but to be a facilitor, using his or her skills in working with people at a time of heightened emotions.

The process of developing your ceremony should result in a ceremony that enables you to:

• say goodbye to the past relationship
• acknowledge and celebrate what was good in that relationship and the growth each party underwent during and as a result of the relationship
• affirm your values
• express appreciation
• move through the transitional phrase between being half of a couple and being a single person
• acknowledge your new status and the positive aspects of this new status.

Jennifer Cram is a sought after celebrant based in Brisbane, Queensland, Australia who conducts a range of ceremonies including The Heart Moves On ceremonies to mark a divorce or end of a relationship. She also has Psychology degree. For more information check her website http://www.jennifercram.com

Copyright © 2005 Jennifer Cram. You have permission to publish this article electronically or in print, free of charge, as long as the bylines are included. A courtesy copy of your publication would be appreciated.

---

Divorce and Separation - A Child?s Perspective

It is always the children that suffer the most when... Read More

Cheating Husbands - Meeting Needs?

Husbands cheat on their wives for many reasons. They could... Read More

Divorce Advice: Getting Divorce Advice From the Right Source

Getting the right type of divorce advice depends on what... Read More

Credit and Divorce

Mary and Bill recently divorced. Their divorce decree stated that... Read More

How To Identify What The Question Should I Get a Divorce? Means To You

Deciding about whether you should get a divorce or not... Read More

Divorce: How To Survive A Divorce And Move On With Your Life

One out of every two marriages in America is failing.American... Read More

Divorce -Is It Lawful?

The question of divorce and its lawfulness is of long... Read More

Effects of Divorce on Children

When a couple decides their marriage is over, a tremendous... Read More

Spousal Emotional Abuse During Divorce--What You Can Do

Is your spouse violent, abusive, harassing? In cases of harassment... Read More

9 Steps to Regaining Self-Esteem After Divorce

Divorce is difficult at the 'best' of times. Even when... Read More

The Job of a Divorce Attorney

Marriage is a very solemn and serious chapter on any... Read More

Dating Tips for Divorced and Widowed Moms

Dating is tough for just about everybody, but it's even... Read More

Extramarital Affair: Should You Get A Divorce Just Because One Of You Had An Extramarital Affair?

Having to deal with an extramarital affair can be a... Read More

Commitment

Being marriage means being fully committed to your husband as... Read More

Reasons You Arent Starting the Decision Making Process About Whether To Get a Divorce Or...

Stay MarriedAlong with any tough decision comes reluctance, especially when... Read More

Hire Divorce Lawyer or Use Online Divorce Forms

When do you need to hire a family law attorney... Read More

What Are You Waiting For?

So, you've decided that you're no longer "a couple", but... Read More

How Women Should Protect Themselves Financially Regarding Divorce

Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who... Read More

Two Hearts Are Now One

It is fitting that I should write this story on... Read More

Deciding on Divorce: How to Know You are Making the Right Choice

It's a well known fact that in this day and... Read More

Four Tips to Save You Money in a Divorce Case

1. Have an Clear Written Fee AgreementMost experienced and effective... Read More

Divorce--How to Beat the System

Of course you want to get your Judgment--that's the goal... Read More

Advantages to Doing Your Own Divorce

There are many advantages to doing your own divorce. Three... Read More

How to Use a Divorce Lawyer

You want three things in your divorce attorney: expertise in... Read More

Divorce: Secrets To Coping With A Divorce Announcement

During a wedding ceremony, when people are joined together in... Read More

Get Over A Divorce and Prepare for Divorce Recovery!

It can be difficult to get over a divorce and... Read More

Divorce Makes Us Stronger

My friends call me the "Divorce Poster Child".At the age... Read More

5 Ways To Ensure You Will Have a Happy Life After Divorce

Life after divorce is something that most people who are... Read More

Divorce

The most recent statistics show that about 50% of all... Read More

Five Christmas Survival Tips For The Divorced & Single Parent

For the over 50% of marriages that end in divorce,... Read More

The Legal Side of Divorce

While divorce can be an emotionally draining experience, even in... Read More

Deciding On Spousal Support

No matter which side you are on, spousal support is... Read More

Women And Divorce: How Women Should Protect Themselves Financially Regarding Divorce

Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who... Read More