Divorce--The Five Obstacles to Agreement

This article and my articles "Overcoming Obstacles to Agreement" and "Negotiating Agreement" are about how to deal with disagreement--from simple difference of opinion to active upset and anger--and some specific steps that will help you reach an agreement. As you will see, the things you can do yourself are far more effective than anything a lawyer can do for you.

More than 90% of all cases are settled before trial. Unfortunately, too many are settled only after the spouses have spent their emotional energies on conflict and their financial resources on lawyers. The time and effort spent battling has impaired their ability to get on with their lives and may have caused serious psychic damage to themselves and their children. The spouses could have saved themselves all that simply by agreeing to settle earlier. Why didn't they?

Okay, here you are, heading for a divorce; your spouse is going to be involved and you want to work out an agreement. What's so hard about that? Why don't you just do it? Easier to say than do, isn't it? There are good reasons why it's hard for spouses to work out an agreement--five, to be exact:

• Emotional upset and conflict
• Insecurity and fear
• Ignorance and misinformation
• The legal system and lawyers
• Real disagreement

To get an agreement, in or out of the system, with or without an attorney, you have to overcome the five obstacles. Let's look at them in a little more detail to see what you're dealing with.

The Five Obstacles to Agreement

1. Emotional upset and conflict: This is about high levels of anger, hurt, blame, and guilt--a very normal part of divorce. If one or both spouses are upset, you can't negotiate, have reasonable discussions or make sound decisions. Complex and volatile emotions become externalized and get attached to things or to the children.

When emotions are high, reason is at its lowest ebb and will not be very effective at that time. There are various causes of upset:

• The divorce itself, stress of major change, broken dreams, fear of change, fear of an unknown future
• Different readiness to accept the idea of divorce and willingness to proceed--the hidden cause of conflict in many cases
• History of bad communication habits or conflict
• Particular events or circumstances (a new lover, a new debt)

2. Insecurity, fear, lack of confidence, unequal bargaining power: You can't negotiate if either spouse feels incompetent, afraid, or that the other spouse has some big advantage.

Divorce is tremendously undermining and tends to multiply any general lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Also, there are often very real causes for insecurity: lack of skill and experience at dealing with business and negotiation, and lack of complete information and knowledge about the process and the marital affairs.

It doesn't matter if insecurity is real or reasonable; it is real if it feels real.

3. Ignorance and misinformation: Ignorance about the legal system and how it works can make you feel uncertain, insecure and incompetent. You feel as if you don't know what you are doing--and you are right.

Misinformation is when the things you think you know are not correct. Misinformation comes from friends, television, movies, even from lawyers who are not family law specialists. It can distort your expectations about your rights and what's fair. It's hard to negotiate with someone who has mistaken ideas about what the rules are.

Fortunately, both conditions can be easily fixed with reliable information.

4. The legal system and lawyers: The legal system does not help you overcome obstacles to agreement but, rather it is one of the major obstacles that you have to overcome. The legal system is designed to work against you. You want to avoid the legal system as much as possible--and you can. You can beat the system.

5. Real disagreement: These are the real issues that you want to deal with rationally and negotiate with your spouse.

Real disagreement is based on the fact that the spouses now have different needs and interests. After dealing with the first four obstacles, these real issues may turn out to be minor, but even if they are serious, at least they can be negotiated rationally.

The solutions are in your hands. Apart from the legal system--which you can avoid--all obstacles to your agreement are personal, between you and your spouse and between you and yourself.

Take care. Pay special attention to emotional upset and especially insecurity and fear. These are the forces that drive people into a lawyer's office. You want to avoid doing anything that might increase the upset and fear of either spouse.

The upset person is saying, "I can't stand this, I won't take it anymore! I'm going to get a lawyer!"

The insecure person is saying, "I can't understand all this, I can't deal with it, I can't deal with my spouse. I want to be safe. I need someone to help me. I'm going to get a lawyer."

And this is how cases get dragged into unnecessary legal conflict.

You need to arrange things so both spouses are comfortable about not retaining an attorney. If you think your spouse may be upset or insecure, you have to be very careful and patient. If you are feeling incapable of dealing with your own divorce, the information in my book, Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better will help a lot and you will see that you can get all the help and support you need without retaining an attorney.

Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman

Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books from http://www.nolodivorce.com or by calling (800) 464-5502.

---

Divorce and the Stock Market

The most recent statistics show that about 50% of all... Read More

How to Select a Divorce Lawyer

Selecting a divorce lawyer to handle your family law case... Read More

Marriage Seperation - A Practical Guide

Finance in marriage seperation is a very big issue particularly... Read More

Advantages to Doing Your Own Divorce

There are many advantages to doing your own divorce. Three... Read More

Avoid Lawyers! Do-It-Yourself Divorce Saved Me Tons of Money!

Let me preface this by saying right up front -... Read More

Divorce Articles: How To Get The Most From A Divorce Article

There are many types of divorce articles available on the... Read More

Divorce and Children: Things To Consider When Youre Staying Married Only For Your Children

All children are different and respond differently to divorce. Depending... Read More

Why Men Wont Commit To Marriage

A common reason why men wont commit could be due... Read More

Divorce--How to Beat the System

Of course you want to get your Judgment--that's the goal... Read More

An In-Depth Look at Army Divorce Rates

Raleigh, NC-The largest divorce firm in the state, Rosen Law... Read More

Divorce: How To Survive A Divorce And Move On With Your Life

One out of every two marriages in America is failing.American... Read More

Deciding on Divorce: How to Know You are Making the Right Choice

It's a well known fact that in this day and... Read More

Hire Divorce Lawyer or Use Online Divorce Forms

When do you need to hire a family law attorney... Read More

Divorce, The Hardest Thing You Have To Do

Knowing What To Do In DivorceKnowing what to do when... Read More

Dating Tips for Divorced and Widowed Moms

Dating is tough for just about everybody, but it's even... Read More

Women And Divorce: How Women Should Protect Themselves Financially Regarding Divorce

Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who... Read More

Top 5 To Dos Before Saying ?I Do?

1. DO allow yourself enough time to make one of... Read More

Why Standard Visitation Should NOT Be Standard

When a nuclear family separates, it usually separates into a... Read More

There Is Life After Divorce

A married woman becomes a single woman for one of... Read More

Divorce -Is It Lawful?

The question of divorce and its lawfulness is of long... Read More

How Women Should Protect Themselves Financially Regarding Divorce

Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who... Read More

Love and Marriage Fairy Tale

When we were children we believed in fairy tales and... Read More

Joint Bank Accounts and Divorce

Here are some useful tips on joint bank accounts and... Read More

Get Over A Divorce and Prepare for Divorce Recovery!

It can be difficult to get over a divorce and... Read More

Marriage - Divorce - Separation - How to Handle the Split Loyalties with Friends After Separation

We have all most probably encountered it at some stage... Read More

Healing Dysfunctional Families

In a recent article entitled "Some Evidence On How We... Read More

How Thinking About An Uncontested Divorce Figures Into Your Decision About Divorce

An uncontested divorce is the most common type of divorce.... Read More

Divorce: Coping With The Family Law Process

The EmotionsDivorce is a scary, lonely and misunderstood process for... Read More

How to Use a Divorce Lawyer

You want three things in your divorce attorney: expertise in... Read More

5 Things To Do Before You Even Think About Getting A Divorce

There are many steps to take to protect yourself in... Read More

Houston Divorce Lawyer - West Houston Attorney Answers Common Questions About Mediation

If you are reading this, then you are probably either... Read More

Credit and Divorce

Mary and Bill recently divorced. Their divorce decree stated that... Read More

Reasons For Divorce; What Constitutes Viable Reasons For Thinking About Or Wanting A Divorce?

According to the Center for Disease Control's National Vital Statistics... Read More