After divorce, the most important thing you can do is to move forward sensibly. Here are ten steps to help you on your way back to a fulfilling life.
1. Think single. As obvious as it may seem, you're no longer one half of a couple and that can take some getting used to. After all, life as a single woman is very different to the life you've been leading for a major part of your life. Take time to understand the changes that are happening in your life and don't expect it to be easy.
2. Remind yourself that it's ok to be single. In a society where single women are often looked down at by their married peers, they can easily find themselves believing that they're failures; that "real" women are involved in loving, lasting relationships. That simply isn't true. More and more women are choosing to remain single, or to break out of unfulfilling relationships, something which shows strength rather than weakness. Surviving means believing in yourself and your capabilities as a single woman.
3. Don't try to get even. No matter how angry you are at your partner, even if he's been unfaithful to you, don't try to get your own back. You'll just end up exhausting your personal energy on something that isn't going to be the least bit fruitful. It certainly won't get him back but the bitterness will most likely stop you from moving on. You don't deserve that, so don't do it! Try to approach your anger in a sensible manner, one that will constructive in helping you back to a healthy, emotional state of mind. Writing down exactly what is making you angry and why can often help you to understand and deal with your feelings. Find a friend who'll listen and tell her how you feel. Anger needs an outlet, but revenge isn't a healthy way of venting it.
4. Accept that the relationship is over. When you're living alone and your partner has moved on, it should be easy to accept that it's over. Unfortunately, this is something that a lot of women have problems with. You may find yourself making excuses to visit him by forgetting things at his place or needing to discuss something trivial regarding the children. Don't crowd him. Talk to him when you need to, visit if you must, but be polite, keep your distance emotionally, and accept that you now lead separate lives. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you will be able to find happiness again.
5. Don't live in the past. No doubt you've got some great memories from your time together, you would never have stayed together as long as you did if there were never any good times. Remember them by all means, but don't dwell on them. If you find yourself wishing that everything could be "like that" again, give yourself a mental slap and remind yourself that there are some fantastic moments waiting for you in the future and that the past is nothing but a memory. You can learn from it but you can't change it or return to it. It's over. Gone. The future is what you should be thinking about now!
6. Don't drown yourself in guilt. You've probably said a few things that you didn't mean and now regret but you can't change that now. By all means apologise to your ex if it'll make you feel better, but don't expect your apology to change anything. Forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes.
7. Re-discover yourself! How much of yourself did you give up during your relationship? Did you find yourself bending over backwards to satisfy your partner? Now is the time to start living for you! Doing the things that make YOU happy will increase your self-confidence. Get a new hair-cut, re-arrange the furniture, enrol on a course. Do anything you like, but do it for YOU.
8. Sort out your finances. Your financial situation is bound to have changed and it's important that you know exactly how much you have coming in. It's easy to start over-spending while you're wallowing in your self-pity. A little extra indulgence here and another there; it's easy to fall into the trap so don't be tempted. Getting yourself into debt will just make your life as a single woman unnecessarily difficult. If your income is low (or non-existent) contact Social Services Benefits Advice Service or your local Citizens Advice Bureau. They will have somebody available to assess your needs and help you claim any benefits that you may be eligible for.
9. Don't become lonely. You may have found that your "couple friends" no longer invite you over or that your married friends don't have the time to do the things you suggest. Don't panic. This is perfectly normal and as time passes you will gradually find new friends. Whatever you do, be positive when you are with others as positive people always attract more friends. When you meet new people, they don't want to listen to "doom and gloom". They don't know you yet and will probably find it difficult to be sympathetic to a complete stranger. Be cheery and make them smile, people will remember and like you for that.
10. Don't get involved on the rebound! We've all heard it, but when you meet "that" guy, it's so easy to forget. Keep your dates light and remember that there is a broad line between getting to know a person and bonding a close, intimate relationship. Don't try to jump that line, it's there to be crossed slowly. When you try to cross it too quickly you'll be forcing the relationship and forced relationships rarely last. Yes, I know there are some whirlwind romances that have survived the test of time, but those are the exception, rather than the rule.
I've been married, single and a live-in partner. All sorts of relationships have their good and bad sides. When you're single you might yearn for the stability of marriage; when you're married you may envy the freedom of your single friends. Whatever happens, whether you choose to remain single or forge a new relationship, don't keep comparing your life with that of your friends. You're unique - your life is exceptional! Enjoy it!
About The Author
Sharon is a freelance writer living in South Cheshire, England. Having been through both a divorce and the breakdown of a long-term relationship, she understands what's involved in the aftermath. To contact Sharon or to learn more about her work, please visit http://www.sharon-jacobsen.co.uk
Successfully releasing your anger will help you begin healing after... Read More
Collaborative law is based on the realization that the commitment... Read More
Going through a divorce is a very challenging time in... Read More
Having to deal with an extramarital affair can be a... Read More
1. Have an Clear Written Fee AgreementMost experienced and effective... Read More
Divorce has become part of life in the 21st century.... Read More
This article and my articles "Overcoming Obstacles to Agreement" and... Read More
Husbands cheat on their wives for many reasons. They could... Read More
Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're... Read More
Deciding about whether you should get a divorce or not... Read More
Non-lawyers are often surprised to learn that a spouse can... Read More
Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who... Read More
Getting the right type of divorce advice depends on what... Read More
So, you've decided that you're no longer "a couple", but... Read More
There are many advantages to doing your own divorce. Three... Read More
It is always the children that suffer the most when... Read More
When making a divorce decision, there are quite a few... Read More
Here are some useful tips on joint bank accounts and... Read More
When a couple decides their marriage is over, a tremendous... Read More
During a wedding ceremony, when people are joined together in... Read More
Dating is tough for just about everybody, but it's even... Read More
No one besides you can determine whether or not a... Read More
It is fitting that I should write this story on... Read More
There are many types of divorce articles available on the... Read More
Seven Tips to help you keep more of your money... Read More
Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who... Read More
The pain of finding out that your partner is cheating... Read More
A common reason why men wont commit could be due... Read More
Surviving divorce can be a valid fear if you're contemplating... Read More
Life insurance, more than most things you buy, relates to... Read More
When making a divorce decision, there are quite a few... Read More
It's a well known fact that in this day and... Read More
One out of every two marriages in America is failing.American... Read More
Attempts to use the worldwide Web as an effective means... Read More
Marriage is a very solemn and serious chapter on any... Read More
One out of every two marriages in America is failing.American... Read More
Husbands cheat on their wives for many reasons. They could... Read More
Having to deal with an extramarital affair can be a... Read More
Life after divorce is something that most people who are... Read More
My oldest boy asked me something the other day about... Read More
I thought I would never feel the light of life... Read More
Let me preface this by saying right up front -... Read More
A married woman becomes a single woman for one of... Read More
Stay MarriedAlong with any tough decision comes reluctance, especially when... Read More
According to the Center for Disease Control's National Vital Statistics... Read More
While divorce can be an emotionally draining experience, even in... Read More
What 3 major divorce parenting mistakes that surely lead to... Read More
A common reason why men wont commit could be due... Read More
When we were children we believed in fairy tales and... Read More
Finance in marriage seperation is a very big issue particularly... Read More
It can be difficult to get over a divorce and... Read More
Is your spouse violent, abusive, harassing? In cases of harassment... Read More
The most recent statistics show that about 50% of all... Read More
Going through a divorce is a very challenging time in... Read More
As a licensed mental health professional, I work with many... Read More
If you are in a sexless marriage and are unhappy... Read More
This article and my articles "Overcoming Obstacles to Agreement" and... Read More
Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who... Read More
Mary and Bill recently divorced. Their divorce decree stated that... Read More
Seven Tips to help you keep more of your money... Read More
1. What is my filing status? (Married, Single, Head of... Read More
The most recent statistics show that about 50% of all... Read More
The best predictor of a good divorce outcome is the... Read More
Women who believe a divorce is a possibility or who... Read More
Being in a loveless marriage is a frustrating predicament, but... Read More
If there were no legal system, no lawyers and no... Read More
Divorce |