Dating Advice: Should You Play With Madness?

I have a friend with a big problem, a guy who needs good dating advice badly. All the women he dates are dysfunctional, and he can't figure out why. Actually, most of the women he dates aren't merely dysfunctional, they're psychotic.

In fact, when came to me for some dating advice, he told a story about the last woman he dated, how she literally stalked him for three months after their relationship ended, one day calling him a "Nazi," the next calling him the sweetest guy on earth. It got so bad he decided to sell his house and move out of state. No joke, this is a true story.

However, this is NOT the first woman like this he's dated. In fact, most women he's dated are like this. Now, you might think this guy is bad looking and broke, a complete loser who just can't "do any better." The truth, though is this: the guy's 6'2", in good shape, could pose for GQ, and does very well financially. And, he can be a fun, witty guy to hang out with. Why then, did this guy come to me for dating advice?

There are actually several answers to this question (and we don't have time to cover all of them today), but many of them have to do with what's called "map/model of the world," both his and theirs. We'll talk about his in a later episode-for now, just realize your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. Obviously he's got some work to do on his inner world, and he is taking my dating advice seriously, but for now let's talk about map/model of the women he dates.

Just what is "map/model" of the world, and how will this help your dating? It's simply how each individual human being views the world-the sum total of our internal representations. Let me give you an example that will clarify this. Let's say you and I are listening to the radio and a particular song comes on. You hate it, but I like it. Why? Because we both have different maps/models of the world. Although the "input" (in this case the song) was exactly the same, the "output" (our reaction to the song) was different. Our "maps" create the differing output. How we view the world is different. How each man responds to my dating advice is different.

When you're screening women to see if they're worth spending time with, you want to uncover as much of their map/model of the world as possible. Why? Because how they've behaved in the past (based on their map/model of the world) is how they will behave in the future. And if the past behavior they've exhibited is bad, their future behavior will be worse. (Take my dating advice on this one!)

When my friend told me during this dating advice session about his experience with this "crazy woman" I asked how they met, what she said to him. It took me 15 minutes of listening to him for me to determine, simply based on what she said to him, that she was a "nonstarter", someone I would NEVER start a dating relationship with. Why? Because she'd described several instances of psychotic/stalking behavior in past relationships. But, since he wasn't actively uncovering her map/model of the world, and making decisions based on it, he got into a horrible relationship. I would have avoided dating her completely.

So just how do you uncover a woman's map? By asking, "elicitation questions" and actively listening. You want to look for common patterns of behavior that reoccur in her past relationships. Awhile back I met a woman online and we met at Town Lake here in Austin for a walk. As we walked, I simply asked her about her online dating experiences. Over and over she said, "oh he kept following me, but he was a loser." Then I asked her about her relationships, and she kept talking about how guys "cheated on her all the time." How did she know they were cheating, I asked? Well, she said, because I would drive by their houses, and strange cars would be in the driveway. My dating advice to anyone who exhibits this attitude is... don't walk, run!

Now, if I'd pursued ANY type of dating relationship with this woman, what do you think the outcome would have been? She would have driven by my house, looking for "strange cars" and then she would have accused me of "cheating." And then she would have come to my place of work at odd hours to "confront me." Why? Because that's what she did with all the guys who "cheated on her."

Obviously I never met with her again, even though she was cute. But many guys not heeding this very important nugget of dating advice would have, because they were paying attention to looks, not uncovering her map or model of the world. And the next six months of their lives would have been HELL.

Listening for map/model of the world is a valuable skill to develop, and some of the best dating advice I can give anyone. You will find that uncovering someone's map of the world will save you much frustration. So? I've got some homework for you guys. As you go throughout your day tomorrow, actively listen for

other people's maps. Get them to tell you stories, and listen for recurring patterns of behavior, both good and bad. Develop this skill, and utilize it, and you'll be able to avoid a lot of heartache, and enjoy a lot of pleasure.

About the Author: John Alanis, "The King of Let 'em Come to You", is author of the "Women Approach You" system at http://www.womenapproachyou.com. His blog is at http://www.johnalanis.com

---

Top Ten Ways to Set Appropriate Expectations for Dating

1) Give yourself time to get back into the groove... Read More

Dating in the New Millenium

Over the past 20 years the face of dating has... Read More

The Five Worst Date Places

Food in teeth, nausea, childhood stories and exposing your pot... Read More

Should You Consider an Internet Romance?

Carly's quest in finding a suitable partner for marriage seemed... Read More

Dating After Divorce: Things To Think About Regarding Dating After Divorce

Dating after divorce is a much debated topic due to... Read More

Dating Mistakes

Dating mistakes can kill a dating relationship. Do you know... Read More

Are You Considering Online Dating?

Jody's quest in finding a suitable partner for marriage seemed... Read More

Body Language

Next to your internal mindset (which should be relaxed, confident,... Read More

How to Get the Girl You Want: The Attraction Killer to Avoid and Some Strategies for Success

It's one of the supreme tragedies in life. When there's... Read More

Online Dating Service! Is Matchmaking On The Internet Right For You?

Online dating service! Is it right for you? That would... Read More

Four Dating Rules You Must Know To Transform Your Love Life

Dating is the first step to love. I am going... Read More

If You Want A Date, Promote Yourself!

How to find a date? Promote yourself! That's one of... Read More

How To Repel The Opposite Sex

There is a war between the sexes. This war is... Read More

Men: Never Compliment a Woman You Want to Date

Hello Lucia,I regularly compliment women and tell them that I... Read More

Finding Compatible E-Dates

In the world of online dating misrepresentation is at an... Read More

CyberCheapskates and Net Gold Diggers

Did you know that Match.com has around twelve million members,... Read More

Dating Tips - Prepare To Impress

At first dating is fun but as you go on... Read More

Healing the Midlife Love Crisis

All I wanted was to fall in love and live... Read More

How to Get More Responses at Online Dating Sites

So, you've decided to join a dating website. You're hoping... Read More

Dating Personals! Find Out How To Write A Knockout Personal Ad

If you're about to leap into dating personals and don't... Read More

Finding a Safe Dating Site

Seems like everywhere we surf on the Internet nowadays we... Read More

What are Seduction Lairs?

Are you familiar with Seduction Lairs and how to use... Read More

Overcoming Your Nervousness About Talking to Women

Standing at the magazine rack thumbing through Cosmo, she has... Read More

A Single Mans Astrological Guide to Single Women

ARIES (March 21 - April 19) - She's aggressive with... Read More

Compatibility

Harsh words, hurting comments, tears and flying household objects -... Read More

10 Tips for Succeding in Dating!

Generally the most important step when dating someone is the... Read More

Dating in a Modern World

As the UK Online Dating market keeps on growing day... Read More

The Dating Game

With all the websites on the Internet that offer a... Read More

Love Notes: What DoYou Mean? Secrets of Clear Communication

Recently a man I had met through match.com sent me... Read More

True Love And Chemistry: Exploring Myth And Reality

When you think about the qualities found in a true... Read More

8 Deadly Dating Mistakes To Avoid!

Are you dating or in a serious relationship? Did you... Read More

Christ-Centered Life on Dating

In a contemporary Christian world, there is a hidden reality... Read More

Top 10 Photo Blunders

The following no-nonsense list was compiled from interviews with long-time... Read More