Trick Or Treat - Is This Make-Believe Or The Real Thing?

"I'll call you this week". "Yes, I'd love to see you again". "I had a great time". "I'm not interested in dating anyone else". "I think I'm falling in love with you."

These are a few of the phrases passed between singles as they move through the stages of meeting and dating. At the time, they are uttered with what feels like true emotion and honesty. No wonder the person they are directed to is so confused when the call never comes, the person becomes unavailable, or it soon becomes evident that the speaker is dating or deeply involved with someone else. Can we ever believe what we see or hear? How can we be sure?

Dating is a process of getting to know someone. It begins with an attraction, which is formed by that first impression. Often, this first meeting occurs by chance at a social gathering, at work or in the course of one's daily life. More and more, it happens through a response to a personal ad and the emailing and phone calls that follow. Both in-person and email or voice contact give us a sense of the other individual- but this is only a brief snapshot of who they may be. It takes real time together to create a larger and clearer picture of this other person and their rightness or wrongness for us. During this time we assess for friendship, attraction, shared interests and values, and a willingness and ability on the part of both individuals to move forward in a relationship.

Given that this is a process, it has stages. A first date helps the couple to learn more. It is a fact-finding experience, which involves not only the information the other provides, but our feelings and reactions to it and to them as a potential partner. We show our best selves and attempt to make an appropriate connection with someone we find desirable. In the best scenario, everything clicks for both people and conversation is natural and easy. More often, there may be questions, doubts, and/or mixed feelings. Seeing each other again is often suggested by one or both people and is a good way to learn more about each other and resolve any questions. But the doubts and negative feelings go unstated in a desire to either give the other person a chance or to let them down easily. It's also an easy way out for someone who is uncomfortable with this level of emotional honesty.

So, how do we know what the other person is truly feeling? You have several options for getting this information.

* You take them at their word and wait to see if they follow through with what they have said they would do. Nothing speaks louder than behavior. This option is the most common choice and can leave you in that all too familiar holding and wondering pattern.

* You attempt to address the situation openly and candidly. This one requires a bit of courage and an ability to be vulnerable. State how you are feeling in a thoughtful but honest way. Ask them to do the same for you. Let them know that you want to hear their honest thoughts about how the date went and if they would like to get together again.

* The third option should be used regardless of what you do with the other two. Pay attention to their non-verbal communication. How do they look at you? What quiet responses do you get after you have shared something about yourself? What do you see in their facial reaction, posture and eyes? Do you FEEL interest or just politeness? Are they really WITH you, or somewhere else? If you learn to listen to the non-verbal language, you will HEAR much more than what their words have to say.

Listening to the whole person applies throughout the stages of dating and relationships. It is also important during this time to pay attention to their behavior and note inconsistencies or mixed messages. Too often people don't and are stunned when a relationship "suddenly" ends or they find out they are seeing someone who was not the person they thought they were. Trust your instincts and listen "with a third ear".

Remember also that the responsibility for honesty is also on you. Don't say what you think the other person wants to hear because you don't want to be impolite or hurt their feelings. If you really think about it, it is more hurtful and in poor taste to be dishonest with someone who has a true interest and is trying to learn yours.

Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach with over 20 years of experience. As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications including: The Chicago Tribune and The Orlando Sentinel newspapers and Family Circle, Woman's Day, and Star magazines. She has been featured on ABC News; Discovery Health Channel and AOL Online. As a weekly contributing commentator on the KTRS Radio Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO), Toni offers dating tips and relationship advice in response to listener feedback. Toni founded Consum-mate.com in 2002 to offer singles the knowledge and tools they need to find and sustain healthy, lasting love relationships. She is a member of The International Coach Federation, and The International Association Of Coaches.

---

Dating While Seeking GOD- A Road Less Traveled

Why is it when it comes to dating that we... Read More

Mom Says

So, you're a member of every suitable on-line dating site,... Read More

Dating in the New Millenium

Over the past 20 years the face of dating has... Read More

Want To Be A Success In Dating? Use Your 5 Senses

How often do girls on the street smile to you,... Read More

How a Blind Date Can Increase Your Psychic Abilities

So how can a blind date increase your psychic abilities?... Read More

Instant Dating Strategies Anyone Can Use

Most of us walk around caught up in our own... Read More

Online Dating 101 - Online Dating Basics

Online Dating 101 by Kevin KogerFeeling like there's something that's... Read More

Men On Dating- Timing, Turn-offs and Keepers

Dear Relationship Coach-"We met online and seemed to hit it... Read More

Funnel Your Way to Love

I call it "The Funnel." And it's the best way... Read More

What are Seduction Lairs?

Are you familiar with Seduction Lairs and how to use... Read More

Teen Dating, Things To Think About

Are you a teen who is dating? Are you a... Read More

Too Ugly? Too Short? Heres How To Turn Your Flaws Into Strengths

If you're worried and upset about your physical flaws, which... Read More

Dating Opportunities Are More Abundant Than Ever Before

Dating, there are many thoughts that word brings about. Many... Read More

The Dating Game

Why is it some people look at dating as a... Read More

Web Cams: Windows on the World

The webcam has brought a truly amazing variety of experience... Read More

The Law of Large Numbers

It is often said that sales is a numbers game.... Read More

Online Dating Service! Is Matchmaking On The Internet Right For You?

Online dating service! Is it right for you? That would... Read More

The Theory of Scarcity in Dating

Familiar with the economics theory of scarcity ? Here's a... Read More

How to Flirt and Never Get Rejected!

When it comes to flirting, you can get your point... Read More

The Huge Advantages of Online Dating

Imagine the joy of finding the love of your life,... Read More

Dating Advice for Men: Why Some Women Like Em Younger

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Madonna and Guy Ritchie. Your... Read More

Asian Dating - Respect and Honour

Honour and respect are two of the most important elements... Read More

10 Keys to Getting Along With Single Women For Successful Dating, Seduction

1. When with a woman on a date, under no... Read More

Online Dating, Why Not?

So, you're looking to meet that "special someone". You have... Read More

Change Your Body Language to Be Relaxed When Approaching Somebody New

Get a Girl To Seduce You By Changing Your Body... Read More

Choosing an Online Dating Service

The task of choosing the best dating site to join... Read More

A Revolution Has Come To Online Dating

There is truly a revolution going on in the online... Read More

Dating Service Tools for Individuals Seeking Singles Online for Fun, Friendship and Marriage

If you're wondering what it means by dating service and... Read More

How to Finally Approach the Women You Lust for

We've all been there. You have been meeting her accidentally... Read More

How To Find A Dating Web Site That Is Right For You Today Starting From Scratch

So at last you're sick and tired of the bar... Read More

Use The Boyfriending Technique To Get The Girl

In order for a typical woman to have sex with... Read More

Dating: How & Where To Meet Single, Alluring, Sexy & Beautiful Women Of Your Dreams

Are you a lonely man?When was the last time you... Read More

Win Her Heart With Romantic Gift Ideas

Does your significant other cry at goofy commercials? Does she... Read More